Still Here...Somewhere!

Yes... I have been away from this area of the apt lately! I think that I am really really trying to absorb all this that is going. It really is alot to absorb, Well, maybe that may not even be the proper word for it. I know something is happening to me that I think is good, not quite sure what yet... but its happening.

I know that I have had anxiety attacks, but I have not told anyone about them. The kids would worry too much and they already have enough on their plates. I know that they are having a hard time understanding what has happened, and why some people are the way they are, I hate to tell them, that this is what growing up is all about. There are good relationships, and there are just those sour ones that you try to sweeten up, and no matter what you do... and then the juices decides to SQUIRT you in the eye,,, hmmmmm
Yepp, and the ones you thought to be closest to you is the one doing the SQUIRTING.

A couple of times, I have felt my heart beating sooo hard on my chest, it actually scared me. I know at that point, there really is nothing that can be done but just stay as calm as I can. Do NOT stress. I have felt that I have done all that I can in the recent situations that I have had to deal with... and if all that I have done, cannot change anything, then its really not about what you can do to stop it, but to resolve it, someway! I listen to Regina, and I listen to Bryan... Did you know that they stress differently? Oh yes they do, and I don't think that they realize that I am watching them, and seeing their hurt. They have not been raised in your normal two adult family. I raised them, and was told by a youth counselor that we were the most functional... disfunctional family that they have talked to in a long time.

They are learning the hardships of life, and to deal with it in a grown up way, is kind of hard... Cuz you know what? This adult is having a hard time with it too! They do not realize, yet, that it is not a Chinese thing... It is a generational thing. My sister and I grew up at the same time, and there is such a difference between the two of us that it really amazes me. Anyways, I think I am glad that I got that out of my system, they will see one day that it really is not about what they think its about.. Its really just about HER! I have tried! What is the saying.. that says.. something about how many times do you keep trying and getting slapped down b4 you give up? Its something to that effect!

PE@CE!